8 Months Postpartum - Why This is Still a Struggle

I’m sure you’ve read other online articles that say months 1-3 postpartum are typically “the hardest.” But what if 6 months or 8 months in, you’re finding this time to be the hardest??

You’re probably wondering if it’s just you! Spoiler: It’s not.

There could be a thousand reasons why you feel this way.

There are probably quite a few things that have happened after your child’s birth that have ultimately brought you to this very moment.

Your body looks different and probably hasn’t returned to its pre-baby appearance and that fact is finally really settling in.

You’re past the so-called “postpartum period” and yet you still experience mood swings, exhaustion, fluctuating hormone levels.

Enough time has gone by now that you’re starting to burn out.

You’re realizing the people who you thought would be there for you weren’t in the way you needed them to be.

You’re probably dealing with the additional emotions that come with going back to work and sending your baby off to be cared for by someone else.

You might even be doing this alone or your partner isn’t as supportive as you thought they would be.

No wonder why you still feel sad.

I know you feel alone because it looks like all of your friends and family members with babies aren’t going through the experience you’re going through.

They all have babies who can sleep anywhere (and through the night?!), have no feeding difficulties, no health issues, smile and genuinely seem to be a “happy baby” who doesn’t need to be constantly walked around, bounced, and every other possible activity you can think of to console and comfort them.

Or they all have supportive families who drop everything to be there with the baby, watch the baby for a bit, or even cook or clean for you.

How your situation differs:

You might have a “spirited” or “high needs” baby. This book saved my life and helped us understand our spirited baby.

You might have a baby with reflux, milk allergy, or other gastrointestinal issues. Do yourself a favor and seek out a pediatric GI specialist ASAP with or without your pediatrician. Don’t walk, run. I wish I had listened to my gut and did this sooner.

You might have a baby who only feels comforted with your physical touch – not dad’s, not their grandparents, only YOURS mama. Talk about exhausting and overstimulating.

You might be going through things you NEVER thought you’d be going through after your precious, wanted bundle of joy arrives.

You could be navigating single motherhood unexpectedly, or have a lack of support from the people who you thought would be there for you and your baby.

There could be truly horrific life circumstances that have occurred in your life and you’re wondering how in the world you can possibly show up and be the kind of mom your little one needs.

Whatever reason you’re here, you are welcome and you are not alone.

But for those who have never been here, they have NO idea why you’re struggling so badly and can’t understand because they haven’t experienced it.

While not every mama reading this article is experiencing the same exact situation you’re facing, rest assured that they are all feeling and thinking VERY similar things as you.

How do I know this?

Because I’ve been there too.

I know what it feels like to be 6 months postpartum, 8 months, even a YEAR and think, “Holy cow, is this ever going to get better?!” I know what it’s like to feel sad and grieve the experience that you expected to have with your baby because the reality is so far from what you had hoped and dreamed of it being.

It does get better, mama. But you have to do whatever you can RIGHT NOW to cope with this hard season as best as possible. You have to take good care of yourself so that you can get through this hardship and come out on the other side with mental wellness and resilience.

Practical Strategies that Actually Help You Get Through Tough Moments in the First Year

1. Change your environment

Whether you’re dealing with sleep deprivation, feeding and breastfeeding issues, or are simply at your limit for any reason at all, change your environment.

What I mean is – literally go outside. If the current weather makes it impossible to do that, take the baby to a store, a mall, somewhere you can walk around with them in a stroller. You will feel better and so will they. Babies feed off of our emotional energy. If they can tell you’re frustrated, they’re going to mimic us and feel that too.

If that absolutely cannot happen and you are stuck at home, it’s okay!

Change the room you are in. Go to a different part of your home. If you were in the middle of trying to get them to eat, sleep, or some other essential task, start doing a different activity for 5-10 minutes and then go back and try again.

A trick my baby loved – taking a bath. Some days he took 2 baths simply because the warm water calmed him down so much.

It can feel a lot like it’s your fault, you’re not doing enough or doing it right, you don’t understand your baby, something is wrong with your milk, etc., especially for new moms. Changing your environment gives you the space you need to process through some of these thoughts and feelings and likely calms your baby down.

2. Dealing with lack of support

Join a virtual support group with parents who are going through the same or similar experience you are.

Postpartum Support International offers several online support groups that meet at different times and frequencies. There are even specific support groups such as “Support for Parents of High Needs Babies,” “Single Perinatal (Pregnancy and Postpartum) Parent Support,” “Birth Trauma Support,” and many others!

Check them out here to see if this is something that you could try.

Support is a HUGE component of being able to get through this time. At the very least, a group of other parents going through a similar experience will help you feel so much less alone. Don’t be afraid to check out local mom groups in your area! Facebook and the Peanut app are two great places to find these.

Overcoming not wanting to ask people for help

So many of us moms want to be able to provide everything our baby needs all the time and we think we should be able to show up for our baby like that at any moment.

The reality is: that is simply not possible. We need breaks too, especially when our babies are just a little bit tougher than the average. It is imperative that we fill our emotional cups too.

If you find yourself getting increasingly agitated, not as patient with your baby as normal, then you really need a break.

Brainstorm 2-4 people who you could ask to take the baby for a few hours, if not that day, the very next if possible. Then, start asking. Don’t be discouraged if the first person tells you no – KEEP GOING. IT’S OKAY and you are doing the RIGHT THING.

If for some reason nobody is able to take the baby, it might be time to get a little more assertive. Offer a simple explanation that you are at a breaking point. This communicates the urgency of the situation to the people you are asking.

If that still doesn’t work, find a person you can simply go visit for a while so that you get out of your house and you and your baby into a different environment. 9 times out of 10, this changes the dynamic for both of you.

Remind yourself that you are NOT a burden. You are a mother who is also a human being. We are NOT meant to do all of this alone even though our society places pressure on us to do so. Lean on your family members, friends, hell even your acquaintances if you have to. You and your baby’s lives might just depend on it.

Even if people think your baby is “a lot” and don’t know how to deal with them, don’t let this deter you from asking.

3. Practical ways to sneak some self-care in

You have to take good care of yourself to be the best mom you want to be, mama.

Most of all, give yourself grace. Adjusting to becoming a new parent is HARD even if it’s something you’ve wanted for as long as you can remember. You’ve not only created a new life, but your life has also transformed into a new life. Change alone is hard enough let alone change that involves an entire lifestyle change!

You’ll grow into this new normal soon enough, mama, I promise.

Identify what you’re lacking in the most

Lack of sleep? Alone time? Partner time? Basic needs such as showering, brushing your teeth, eating? I know in reality it’s highly likely that you’re lacking in ALL of these things, but try to pick one that you need right now the most. Then, make a plan to do it. If you need someone to help you so that you can, ask. If you need to let your baby cry for a little bit so that you can, it’s okay.

Get a new routine going

Sometimes it’s so easy to fall into a routine that does NOT serve us. Brainstorm 1-2 ways you’ve been neglecting taking good care of yourself. Have you been showering infrequently? Identify a time of day that you could most easily fit this in and stick to it. Having trouble eating consistently and healthily? Brainstorm a plan to incorporate some quick, easy and healthy meals into your week (REMINDER: The crockpot is your BFF!). Start small. Pick one thing and do it consistently for a week. Then, you can add a little bit more as you feel ready.

Think about self-care as 7 major areas

This way, you can more easily evaluate what type of self-care you need in a tough moment. You can also identify the types you tend to neglect the most and schedule them in advance to make sure you don’t become too depleted in any one area.

Physical Self-Care
Psychological/Emotional Self-Care
Creative/Hobbies Self-Care
Spiritual Self-Care
Work/Career Self-Care
Social Self-Care
Intellectual/Mental Self-Care

New moms and seasoned moms alike struggle with self-care because let’s face it – having a baby or multiple kids demanding you all day, everyday leaves us with very little energy to do anything for ourselves. Choosing a self-care activity when you’re burned out is a way to cope positively through it in the moment. Scheduling self-care in advance is the BEST way to prevent burnout from returning in the future.

4. Coping with the physical changes in your postpartum body

It can be really easy to look in the mirror and struggle with what you see. Stretch marks, body changes in general can be difficult to look at. It can be helpful to feel all of those feelings, but then to view those changes in a different light: Think about the amazing miracle your body just performed.

You gave LIFE to a HUMAN BEING! Your body served as a vessel to create that!

All of those physical changes you see are physical reminders of the warrior you are, that you went to battle against all of the odds to bring this little life into the world. If you didn’t have battle scars, you’d easily forget how much of a battle pregnancy actually is with defending your little one from harm, providing them a safe space to grow and receive the nutrients they need.

Weight loss and getting back to a “normal size” are pressures put on us by society. Don’t let this pressure cloud your judgment and view of yourself.

You’re a warrior, mama, and in many ancient cultures, scars were celebrated as victories. See if you can see your scars and body changes as a victory.

Start by simply beginning to notice and acknowledge when you have automatic thoughts that pop up that are negatively judging your body. Build awareness of yourself criticizing your body. Then, practice gently acknowledging those thoughts AND practicing gratitude by acknowledging 1-2 ways that same body has taken care of you and gotten you through difficult things.

In reality, this is an ongoing process that you’ll have to intentionally keep coming back to improve, but you CAN.

5. Getting Through a Series of Really Hard Days

If you’ve been feeling the same way for several days, chances are your emotions are trying to tell you something about your needs.

Wait… what?!

Yes. That might seem radical to you and that’s okay, but hear me out.

Listening to our emotions as messengers communicating to us about our needs

I teach my clients that we are MEANT to have emotions. They are a necessary part of us as human beings.

If we didn’t have them, then we would be robots. We would only have logical thinking.

Now, we could debate philosophically all day about whether or not that would be a good thing or a bad thing.

But what isn’t debatable is that we as human beings have both rational thought and emotions. We have emotions because they tell us about our needs in a way that physical cues don’t.

An example of how emotions communicate needs during your first year with baby:

You’re feeling sad. You’ve felt sad for a number of days now and can’t really figure out why and don’t know how to start climbing out of it. After you do the work, use some self-soothing strategies to start accumulating some positive emotions, you dig deeper and reflect back on when this sadness all really started. You realize through some thought and reflection that you started feeling sad 4 days ago, which is when you happened upon a social media post from a friend who was simply exuding JOY and ZERO STRESS with their precious, 3-month old baby. You realize that seeing this post made you reflect on your own experience when your baby was 3 months old and immediately made you feel grief, sadness, disappointment that when your baby was that old, this was not your experience at all. Even though you undoubtedly loved that little 3-month old and were eternally grateful for that little blessing, you were FAR from experiencing joy because (s)he screamed for hours on end every single day. There was very little you could do to comfort them, but you did all that you could to the point of sacrificing your own basic needs.

This probably sounds familiar to some of you.

Let’s break down the emotions and what they communicate:

You thought what you were feeling was sadness. After you dug a little deeper, you realized you were feeling grief, disappointment, maybe even envy for this other person’s experience.

Disappointment is an emotion that tells us we are feeling sad that a situation you had placed great hope in did not turn out the way you wanted it to and very well may not have been enjoyable.

Envy is an emotion that tells us we want what another person has.

Sadness is an emotion that tells us we have lost someone or something we care about greatly.

What you lost here in this experience is being able to enjoy calm, newborn cuddles and added joy to your life. While you experience glimmers of that joy, you can’t help but feel that the negative parts of your experience overshadow those small moments of joy. You might be wondering at this point if it ever gets better.

I’m here to tell you – IT DOES. I promise. I can’t tell you how long you’ll be here feeling these feelings, but I can tell you that it will pass.

It’s up to you to cope with your circumstances as best as possible so you can still experience the joy and wonder of having a new baby, but also step away when you feel it all being sucked out of you.

If you want to learn more about how different emotions might be communicating to you about your needs, get my free guide on navigating different emotions postpartum and beyond.

6. Check your coping skills

Speaking of coping with your circumstances as best as possible, what do you do when you’re feeling really stressed, anxious, depressed, agitated?

Those are coping skills. Sometimes they’re not healthy AND THAT’S OKAY. Don’t shame yourself; if you feel shame, simply resolve that you’re going to work on it and do better each day.

If you’re not sure where to even start when it comes to coping strategies, check out this free printable list of coping skills I created. The blog post explains the strategies in more depth and at the end of the post, you can enter your email to get your free copy.

I separated the worksheet into three categories: coping strategies to use when you’re at maximum emotional intensity and need immediate calming, strong intensity and need to do something to cope through tough feelings, and moderate intensity when you’re calm enough to know that you’re unhappy but thinking logically through the situation.

woman with hand on chest while meditating

How to Know When You Really Could Use Professional Help

While it’s normal to feel some sense of sadness, disappointment, envy, and even a tiny bit of hopelessness that things will never get better, it’s NOT normal to be feeling this way every day, all the time.

We all know those questions they ask you at your postpartum checkup in their attempt to screen you for Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. (I am calling it an attempt because I am grateful they do this, but of course see room for improvement.)

We also all know how easy it is to lie in our responses.

After all, who wants to admit that they’re struggling?? Especially to someone we may not have had a positive birthing experience with!!

And then they examine us and they tell us that we’re all set to resume sexual activity.

Postpartum recovery is about so much more than this. It is a shame that it all boils down to whether our bodies are ready to resume physical intimacy. What about our MINDS?! Our EMOTIONAL WELLBEING?! Is our relationship even ready for sex again?!

I’ll get off my soapbox. The point is – we need to do better with addressing maternal mental health in general, but especially so during postpartum and beyond. That’s part of my mission with The Mindful Coping Collective: to bridge the gap in maternal mental health care.

Speaking of maternal mental health, it’s important to be aware of common mental health issues that may arise during the postpartum period.

It’s important to note that if you’re outside of the traditional postpartum period or the “fourth trimester,” you can still be experiencing a postpartum mental health disorder. If left untreated, these can linger for months.

While you might read through the list of symptoms for each of the following diagnoses and struggle to identify if this is your experience, I offer a different, more practical way to tell if this might be you by providing common examples of how these symptoms present themselves.

PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR A THOROUGH MENTAL HEALTH EVALUATION COMPLETED BY YOUR HEALTHCARE PROVIDER. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SELF-DIAGNOSE. ONLY USE THE FOLLOWING FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES AND SEEK APPROPRIATE TREATMENT AS NECESSARY.

Baby Blues

According to the American Pregnancy Association, “Approximately 70-80% of all new mothers experience some negative feelings or mood swings after the birth of their child.” These are commonly referred to as the “baby blues” and while the exact cause is unknown, it is thought to be related to the hormonal shifts and lifestyle changes that come with pregnancy and again after a baby is born.

Although this is a common experience for many moms, if you are still experiencing these symptoms several months after giving birth, it’s a good idea to seek out therapy.

Some signs and symptoms include:

Weepiness or crying for no apparent reason
Impatience, irritability, restlessness, anxiety
Fatigue, insomnia (even when the baby is sleeping)
Sadness, mood changes, poor concentration

Postpartum Depression (PPD)

Some common symptoms of postpartum depression might look like:

You feel hopeless and like your life will never get better
You cry frequently and often feel overwhelming despair, so much so that it affects your ability to bond with your baby or take care of yourself and/or your baby appropriately
You frequently have shame thoughts that say you’re not a good mom and you feel inadequate as a mother
You start to withdraw from family and friends, which leads to you not seeing them for extended periods of time
You have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
You think about death a lot or possibly even suicide

Postpartum Anxiety (PPA)

Some common symptoms of postpartum anxiety might look like:

You start to have an irrational fear that manifests as thoughts you can’t get out of your head and nightmares about something harming your baby
You start to panic every time you hear your baby crying, your heart races, your chest tightens, and you feel the need to “rescue” your baby even if someone else is tending to them
You have constant worry thoughts like worrying something is wrong with your baby even though there is concrete evidence that says otherwise
You have thoughts about something bad happening to your baby that make you panic and unable to leave your baby with others for short periods of time
You cannot sleep even when baby is sleeping
You lose your appetite and have great difficulty eating due to lack of hunger

Mindset Shifts that Help Improve your Sadness

If your experience has been unlike anything you imagined it would be, it’s no wonder why you’re feeling down and sad. In reality, this is the case for so many new moms! While these aren’t going to address the deeper rooted issues of PPD (remember, only therapy and possibly medication can do that), some of these gentle mindset shifts can help you cope effectively when the feelings of sadness come up for you.

This is NOT going to last forever

Even though it might not feel like it, there IS an end in sight. Don’t believe me? Think about a time in your life when you felt absolutely miserable and hopeless that things were going to change for the better. There’s a very good chance that things didn’t change for a while, but something must have come up at some point that changed your situation, right? It’s inevitable! Life can change on a dime! Try to imagine how life will look in the future.

When you start having the thought, “This is never going to end or get better,” come back to this other thought that nothing lasts forever.

Think to yourself: “This is really really really freaking hard and is testing my strength in ways I never imagined possible. Wow, I am really strong. It feels like it’s never going to end, but I know one day my child will not be crying and screaming to me hours upon hours each day. I know this because logically, this child will grow up and become an adult – they won’t scream and cry then, and chances are they won’t even be doing this when they’re a preschooler. Even when they’re a toddler, it will be hard in a different way but they won’t be crying as much as they are now!”

Then, ask yourself what you can do to self-soothe to get through this hard moment right now. Go back up to the practical strategies section of this article if you need ideas.

You are NOT a bad mom and you ARE certainly “good enough”

Want to know how I know this to be true?

You are here reading this dang article. This means that you care DEEPLY about being a good mom. You are desperate to get through this hard time in the best way possible. Why? Because you love your baby SO VERY MUCH. I don’t know about you but a mom who loves their baby so very much cannot possibly be a bad mom.

And here’s a way to dispel the thought that you aren’t a good enough mom.

List out ALL of the ways you’ve gone above and beyond for your baby.
Start by listing the fact that you even went to google to search for an article to help you through this. That’s above and beyond, mama!! You could have chosen a hundred other things to do instead!
List out the facts that prove that you’re a good mom.
Then, list out the facts that prove you’re a bad mom.

I’m willing to bet you’re not going to have much on the latter list. And if you do, I’m also willing to bet that there are feelings associated with that fact that distort your perception on whether or not you’re actually a good mom.

For example, you might list “impatient with my baby.”

What is inherently BAD about being impatient with your baby? Nothing. Impatience is a feeling.

Is it your behavior that you’re not proud of when you’re impatient? That’s different. But also, you can change that.

Give yourself grace, acknowledge that this is really freaking hard, forgive yourself and remind yourself that you’re trying to do the best you can, and then make a plan to cope differently next time.

Do yourself a favor: Enter your info below and download my free printable list of coping skills. Print it out and have it in a place you frequent at home. Then, the next time you do become impatient, you have a visual reminder that you want to do better AND a list of actual things you can do to cope better.

You’ve got this, mama!!